Just Showing Up: My First AA Meeting on Day 485
Day 485 Sober
I did something I never thought I’d do sober.
I walked into my very first AA meeting.
Not because I was desperate. Not because I hit a new kind of bottom. But because somewhere deep in my gut, I knew I needed something. I wasn’t sure what — maybe connection, maybe clarity — but I knew I wasn’t going to find it scrolling social media or staring at the ceiling at 2 a.m.
And honestly? If I were still drinking, this is the kind of thing I would’ve needed a drink just to get the courage to do. That sounds backwards, right? But it’s real. I would’ve had some drinks to steady the nerves, to walk through the door, to face the unknown.
But on Day 485, I didn’t drink.
I just showed up.
And that, all by itself, felt like a win.
The Room Wasn’t What I Expected
TV and movies don’t exactly paint AA with nuance. It’s always flickering fluorescent lights, folding chairs, and someone weeping while admitting they lost everything. And sure, there were stories. There was pain. But there was also something else:
Laughter.
Light.
Hope.
There were 32 people in that room. And not a single one looked like the stereotype. There were moms, dads, grandparents. Professionals. Retirees. Young people. People in sports gear. People who looked like they just got off work. People who looked like me — and people who didn’t.
Honestly, I probably looked the most like the movie version of an “alcoholic.” Disheveled beard. Tattoos. Blue October hat with a skull on it. Dragon shirt.
And yet… no one looked twice.
No one judged.
No one flinched.
Everyone belonged.
“It Can Be Anything… As Long As It’s Not You.”
I expected God talk — and it came up. But not in the way that made me want to run. Someone said a line I won’t forget:
“It doesn’t have to be THE God. It can be anything, as long as it’s not you.”
That hit. Because if I’m honest, I was my higher power for a long time. And I wasn’t exactly crushing it. My best thinking got me drunk. Repeatedly. My best instincts pushed me to numb, to run, to lie, to hide.
So yeah… maybe it’s time to surrender that control.
I’m not sure I’ll ever be the one raising my hand and saying “Let me tell you what God did in my life today.” But I do have a relationship with Him in. my own way. I talk to Him. Sometimes I yell at HIM. Sometimes I cry toward Him. And lately… I’ve been listening.
I Didn’t Speak. But I Felt Heard.
I sat quietly in the back. Just listened.
And every time someone started sharing, they began with that line you’ve seen in every movie:
“Hi, I’m _______, and I’m an alcoholic.”
And the whole room — in perfect harmony — called back:
“Hey, ______!”
It made me smile. Not because it was cute or funny, but because it was connection. It was instant belonging.
And then — this part made me laugh again— at the very end, we all said, “Thanks, ______!” to the person who had just spoke…
…but I couldn’t for the life of me remember their name.
Classic me.
The Truth? I’m Glad I Went.
Was it emotional? Yes.
Was it uncomfortable? Absolutely.
Was it what I needed? Honestly… yeah.
I’ve been in rooms full of Disney fans. I’ve been in rooms full of sports fans, podcast listeners, people who love the same bands or movies I do. But I’ve never been in a room with people who share this part of me — the hard part. The part I usually keep wrapped up in a joke or a distraction.
These people didn’t need an explanation. They didn’t need the whole backstory. They just got it.
I Showed Up. And Maybe I’ll Show Up Again.
I don’t know what comes next. I’m not making promises to go every week or work the steps tomorrow or start sharing right away.
But I do know this:
I showed up.
And it mattered.
And maybe I’ll show up again.
Here’s to continuing to grow.
Here’s to 485 days.
Here’s to walking into hard rooms… and finding light there.
Write Your Own Song
What room are you afraid to walk into?
What story are you telling yourself about the people on the other side of the door?
What would “just showing up” look like for you this week?
You don’t have to speak.
You don’t have to be perfect.
You just have to show up.